Now that I am back at home, I am re-encountering the brokenness in my family that I had gotten used to not seeing while away at school. I am currently reading ADHD: the facts by Mark Selikowitz with the hope that it's not too late to "help" my brother and to change my own attitude about my current living situation.
So far, I've read many letters from frustrated and helpless parents, similar to my own, and my parents are also expecting my brother to snap out of it because of his age. And with my brother getting older, his condition is having a more noticeable impact on his life. One thing that bothers me is how these kids are mislabeled as broken and hopeless, but as a believer of a god who is the good Creator, I know He doesn't create broken things (sin is what causes us to be broken). We consider them broken because they cannot function in a society with certain expectations that they alone cannot meet. Perhaps evolutionary biology could explain how having ADHD does or does not improve the survival rate of humans. Whatever the case is, it does not give us a reason to devalue another person.
I might have first picked up this book looking for ways to fix my brother, but what if I don't believe he needs to be "fixed" anymore, at least not the way I originally wanted him to be. I want to be able to understand what goes on in my brother's mind. I don't just want to create excuses for his behavior. I want to be able to understand, help my parents understand, and help my brother understand, so that we can all have patience with each other. As I continue to learn more about ADHD, I will need to focus more on how I could be of help from now on, instead of on the mistakes we made in the past. Most of all, I don't want my brother to think he's a failure or a disappointment. Part of me is also worried for my brother's future, but that's between me and God.
I know I said I didn't want to fix him, but if there is any reason to help my brother behave more appropriately in this society, it is because others do not understand. While ADHD is becoming a more common diagnosis in children, most people, including teachers and parents, are ignorant in they way they approach them. The most common and, I think, worst responses we can have is labeling them as "stupid," "lazy," and other similar, negative terms. I am guilty of this and I hope to never do it again.
My brother had ADHD, too. I think I may have had ADD myself (inattentive, though not hyperactive), although I was never diagnosed or sought treatment. I wrote about that years ago; interestingly enough, I got a comment from an anonymous user about ADHD very recently and it made me think about it again. I wrote back my personal thoughts here: http://apricotalice.blogspot.com/2008/12/moderate-adhd.html#comment-form
ReplyDeleteMy brother struggled for a looooooooong time with paying attention at school. At first my parents handled it really badly; they did a lot of criticizing and comparing, which is extremely detrimental. Eventually my parents just "accepted" that my brother was not very smart. They encouraged him to major in music, because they thought that was the only thing he was good at and the only way he could get into college due to his poor grades. He ended up switching his major maybe 5 times throughout college.. got on probation, had to stay in college an extra couple of years. But guess what he ended up successfully majoring in after all those years of struggle? Accounting. My parents always thought of me as the "smart" one of the family, but I've taken accounting in college and I thought it was hard! But it turned out that accounting was something that my brother could not only handle and focus his attention on, but excel at.
I know "everyone is unique" has become a cliche, but I think it is an amazing, beautiful truth. My brother is just one of many, many examples of evidence to God's creativity. We all have our strengths and weaknesses; oftentimes it is just a matter of figuring out what they are, and renewing your mind about what that means rather than believing what the world says about it.
I am glad to hear your honesty and hope in God for your brother. =)
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